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My original blog - I have moved to http://shannonclark.wordpress.com so this remains only as an archive.
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Searching for the Moon
by Shannon Clark
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Friday, October 04, 2002
I really should know better...
or how some things in my life just keep repeating
It seems, almost without fail, when I buy tickets for something in advance, that life intercedes to prevent me from taking advantage.
At the moment, it appears that my date for Saturday is off - which really sucks. She may have to help a friend of her's move - what's most annoying about this, is not that she is helping a friend (I do believe her) - I would hope that a woman I am attracted to is the type to help her friends when they need help - but that clearly she did not hold our plans for tomorrow in much import - she does want to do something some other time - (she ended with "next time") so that is not a bad sign, but it is perhaps, a sign that she may not be treating these dates as "dates" as I had hoped she would be...
Or perhaps I am just reading too much (or too little?) into this all.
I offered to help her and her friend with the move (suggesting that perhaps we could finish in time for the movie...) even if we missed the movie, I mostly want to spend time with her - the movie really is very secondary.
But I do have the tickets for the film in my wallet - absolute worse case I'll go to the theater on Saturday (assuming that our date is really off) and look for someone who needs a ticket - preferably a cute single movie loving straight woman... but I might just sell both tickets to a couple and walk away (or go to a friend's booksigning up in Evanston) - who knows, perhaps it will work out for the best - but I guess it also says something that a large part of me doesn't really want that to happen - I really do want to spend time with her - she really does hold my interest.
Somehow though very typical of my life - and consistent with my not having ever really had a second date with someone (okay, one ex-girlfriend is the exception, but our first "date" didn't happen until after we had spent a night together - but not quite as that sounds... very complicated)
Okay, perhaps not so complicated - my one serious ex-girlfriend and I, while we did lots of "frolicking" as some might say, we never did have intercourse - so while we did sleep together before our first "date" as such, we didn't do all that that phrase might usually imply.
But other than with her, I have never had a real second date with someone - I've had plenty of female friends with whom I have done activities that would seem to look like "dates" but it was always pretty clear that we were doing them as friends - this is the first time actually that I have had a series of interactions with someone, had one real "date" and continued in a manner that I hope at least makes it clear that I would like it to be more than just a friendship...
However, having never succeeded at that in the past - I wonder if I just naturally send off signals to woman that I am "friend" not "lover" material?
Annoyingly this has also really put me in a very poor mood - all my plans for this weekend seem to be ending (tonight I had planned on going out with a group of friends to celebrate one friend's birthday - but instead she wants to spend the evening at home writing - which I can't say is a bad thing - and is probably what I should spend the evening doing myself)
I do wish I could break out of this pattern in my life however - I can sense that were I in a relationship while not everything would be perfect (at least not forever) that a whole about my life would be better - and that I would be much more motivated to do lots of things - there is only so much and so long that you can go through life living mostly alone - I think I hit my limit about four+ years ago.
10/04/2002 02:57:00 PM
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