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My original blog - I have moved to http://shannonclark.wordpress.com so this remains only as an archive.
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Searching for the Moon
by Shannon Clark
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Thursday, February 13, 2003
That time of year again
can we just skip right to Saturday and forget about tomorrow?
Okay, the one year out of 28 that I had a date on Valentine's day was rather nice - though the restaurant we chose was only so-so - and something important about the nature of that whole relationship was revealed that day (though I was complimented by a friend on my choice of girlfriends which was good, I guess).
Tomorrow's expected up to 8 inches of snow may help my mood, but only slightly.
Each year that goes by reminds me of just how alone I live and have lived most of my life. Yes, I am close to my family. Yes, I have always had good friends - but they have always (basically) been just that - friends. And every year they are less and less prone to getting together, to doing things, to just hanging out - and so, more and more, I spend my time alone.
While there is certainly an introspective streak in me - I truly don't think that for all that I am and have been, I'm made out to live a life alone. I need human contact - but have not had it in a very very long time.
And yes, while I am referring in part to sex et al., I'm also referring to just simple human contact of the hold hands, pat on the shoulder, good firm hug, kisses kinds of contact. I truly can not recall the last time I kissed someone on the lips - but I suspect strongly that it was in 1998.
Hard as that may be for many people to believe. Most people, it seems, go in and out of relationships with ease - and most people actually enter into them.
I'm not most people clearly - and I need someone to break me out of this mode - not how I want to live the rest of my life, let alone the rest of the year (or month for that matter).
I know that not drinking does not help me - especially here in Chicago where social life and bars/nightclubs seems to be hand in hand. So the chances of me meeting someone keep diminishing (and online sources do not seem to work for me either, nor do friends - I have been set up on ONE date in my ENTIRE life, and that was over 8 years ago).
The types of woman I am most attracted to probably don't help either - they tend to be very smart, very driven woman - so they rarely have time - and it seems, usually are already in a relationship (not infrequently one with another woman - I'm generally attracted to woman who are very liberal and openminded, not infrequently bi-sexual.)
I am not "smooth", I don't have "moves", I don't have "lines" - and I have very very little practice with anything having to do with dating or relationships. While my friends ten years ago were already bored with the basics and experimented with a bit of everything - I had not yet done the basics, let alone more complex elements of relationships.
Even here, in my journal where I tend to be pretty open about everything, I hesitate to talk about or write about sex or things sexual. Mostly because I am truly basicaly without experience.
And as a 28 year old American male - this is very odd and unusual.
In my office I share space with someone who is 24 - in the past four months he has been here, he has picked up more woman in bars than I have done anything even remotely sexual with in my entire life, let alone in the past four months.For him it seems perfectly natural and normal - for me I don't get it at all.
I'm sure I'm old fashioned. I'm sure I'm very inexperienced - from the simplest kiss to the act itself.
And I am afraid that it will only get worse and worse for me - though I was told when I was 21 that most likely my 30's would be a very good decade for me - but that my 20's would probably not be. That even then, I was probably not the type of guy woman in their 20's would be interested in, but that when I was in my 30's I would almost certainly be the type of guy they were interested in - i.e. a "nice" guy who can cook, who likes kids, who's successful, who doesn't drink etc.
I'm certainly not a small man - but neither am I "fat" - and I have been loosing weight this year, almost 20 pounds so far (and loosing a pound or two every day or two so I'm making progress). I dress reasonably well - though not as well these days - need to do more replenshing of my warddrobe.
I don't think I'm boring when on dates - but clearly I don't know how to progress a date to "the next step" - since I have not, basically, ever done that in my entire life.
In the non-relationship/sex aspects of my life I know tons of people, I talk to people all the time on the phone and online - I correspond with people across the globe. My professional career is taking off at the moment - but I can't seem to match up my professional life with my personal.
So - I am always open to blind dates on or offline.
2/13/2003 07:19:00 PM
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